Last time

This is my last post
I realised today that I don't need this blog
what's complaining going to do for my problems
I have to do something about it
so im done

My life would suck without you

Even though I really don't like Kelly Clarkson at all she does have a point...

Baby I was stupid for telling you goodbye
Maybe i was wrong for trying to pick a fight
I know that I've got issues
But you're pretty messed up too
Either way, I found out I'm nothing without you
Cause we belong together now
Forever united here somehow
You got a piece of me, and honestly
My life, would suck, without you

....

My sister almost found out I had this blog
I tell her everthing and The only reason I didn't want to show is because i wanted to have one place where I wasn't scared she would read it only because I wanted something completely private but I could be creative at the same time, I think she might know about it I hope she doesn't though.... I love having a private place that I can talk about anything and not worry about being judged or anything. My sister doesn't understand that I tell her absolutely everything! It's so frustrating. Oh well, there's nothing I can do to change her mind... She never believes me.

This year

This whole year has been blur from May to December i cant seem to recall living...just trying desperately to survive this has been the best and worst year of my life. Best because I'm a better person, i can relate to a lot of what people go through. Worst... Because instead of breathing I was gasping, in stead of having a normal heart beat it was constantly racing, I couldn't and still cant sleep, and worst of all was it was like I was in a nightmare that I was constantly falling but I never hit the ground, just kept falling and falling and falling. Nothing is easy when everyone around you is falling apart. I just want it all to be over.

What's happening?

"It's December, i have now been bulimic for 8 months... it doesn't seem like a long time compared to some other experiences I've heard of but it has been 8 months of pure agony... and now i wonder if this will ever come to an end. I thought that this would've ended 5 months ago, that was my plan, but now there's no turning back... I miss feeling good about myself, i miss being happy despite anything going on around me... now i just feel sadder and sadder as the days go by in a blur of nothingness...I hate myself more than i did when i started all of this, but i still depend on it..."

This is what my sister said on her blog
I know I would feel awkward if she read mine, or even knew it existed, I mean I shouldn't have read this post but she shows her friends, she said she didn't care if i read it. But its different with me, I've never shown anyone this, no one even knows this exists ...
See I'm never this girl.With my friends and family I'm fun peppy and crack jokes because that's who everyone needs me to be, I can make my friends laugh but also be a shoulder to cry on. But sometimes I need to get it all out you know?
When I read what she said I felt so...Helpless. I felt so bad that I couldn't change a word of it. I feel so bad that she feels so... Alone all the time, the fact that i cant do anything to help her kills me! All i want is to help I wish i could...

Why does she think like this?

Weak

I'm not as strong as I like to think I am

Why is it that when I'm alone

I feel like I need to scream my guts out

that I have to cry to breathe

like I need to hurt to make sure I'm really alive
and not in some horrible nightmare

Let me breathe

I wish my family would speak to each other. 

That our conversation didn't revolve around my fathers constant yelling

I hate that I can't breathe in my own home...

Stop pretending

You say you have to pretend well who the fuck are you pretending for if you tell everyone you're pretending. You say you feel bad for having to pretend you are the fun girl you used to be. We all grew up we're all different. Get the fuck over it, I'm not the same either.
No one is pressuring you to be anyone but you...
Why can't you let yourself be that person?

I'm losing myself

Alone

Why am I so depressed when I'm alone

LET ME SLEEP!!!

This is me

I love to jam it makes me feel like I can do something right
I feel alive its something I can create
for my ears only
I'm in a different world
I feel at home
I feel safe
I can be...me

I wish we didn't fall apart

After all this time...
I don't know what to say
I love you?
We're done?
You had you're chance?
I miss you?
I've never cared about anyone more?
I thought you were different?
I thought I could trust you?
I wish we weren't so complicated?
I wish our love was simple?
I wish I knew you truly loved me?
I wish you didn't cheat...

Him

Sweet
Caring
Amazing








Sad
Lost
Scared

Loving
Helpful
Peppy

Horrible
Suborn
Rude

Funny
Cute
Nice







Lying
Cheating
Bastard

Sick of crying

Sick of crying
tired of trying
yeah im smiling but inside
im dying
the window cracks
then breaks
then shatters
you pushed me down
down to the ground
my heart became like those shattered windows
cracked in two
then in a million
empty like a vase
fragile like glass
uneven like a crack
heavy as a weight unstable like a roller-coaster
that's what it all is
ups down
then a sudden stop
but never really starts again
one more day
one more hour
30 seconds
time is slow
can't move
hardly breathing
all is blurred can't see
can't speak...
smile, its better than trying to explain to someone
why you're sad

This is her

This is what she thinks

This is what she is

This is what we see

This is what she sees

Self harm

                                                                          

We need help

...Please...

.

Water

I like water

as soon as I jump in 

its quiet 

dark 

peaceful

I'm in a different world 

one where its colder on the outside than it is on the inside 

it feels soft on my skin 

and I wish 

I wish I could stay under there forever

I lose myself and become a different person

one that doesn't care about any of these problems

but finally, I have to take a breath

and it all rushes back 

all the pain and anguish floods over me

so I take a deep breath... And go back under

trying desperately to forget...

My mothers love GMH

Let your heart heal.

Three years ago my mother was diagnosed with cancer
we were told by the doctors she wasn't going to make it...
She proved them wrong, her perseverance and love GMH